Dear Otis: Why did you have to die?

I sit here in my warm room while the blustery February winds roar outside my window. I pass Otis Redding on my playlist and think momentarily about the young Otis-sound-alike I heard at the singing competition last night. My mouse lingers over his name (I’ve been searching for the perfect music on iTunes to pack to), but I hesitate to select him.

Otis is perfect.

But this man deserves to be played softly as I sit on my front porch in the warm March or April breeze. He deserves to be heard wafting across the front yard from the open living room windows while I clean inside. The jogger with the dog passing by should bear slight witness to the sounds of his glorious voice gently bringing about the passage of time.

And so I pass Otis by, thinking of the warm months to come.

(For the record, Kings of Leon – Closer, was chosen…)

Pondering love.

I’ve been thinking lately about love. Long lasting love, marital love, Christian love, etc.

I’m trying to decide if it’s better to:

- Have incredible chemistry with a romantic interest, without having much in common,

or

- Have a normal relationship without necessarily having such chemistry, but having many things in common.

Of course, this concept assumes that the significant worldviews, particularly religion and such, are compatible. I’m talking more of interests, hobbies, places to live, kids, etc.

I keep oscillating between these two extremes. Surely, the best case scenario is to have great chemistry with someone who also shares quite a few interests. But assuming that you rule out that possibility, which is the better solution? After 30 years of marriage, which is more important to keeping the relationship alive, interesting, and full of love and respect? Does the chemistry have more of a draw, or the common interests?

As I said, I continue to switch from one side of the argument to the other. When I have chemistry with a man, it is intoxicating and interesting and fun; however, I’ve never had a long-term relationship with a such a man. I don’t speak from experience, and for this reason, I drown in the idea of the chemistry truly fading once the newness wears off. But maybe it doesn’t? And if it doesn’t, most of me wants the chemistry more than the common interests.

So if the common interests are there without the chemistry, is it interesting enough to last a lifetime, to commit to? Is this a question which has only recently come into our Western world of marriage for love? Maybe. Is this an issue of always searching for something new to fill the eternal focus of our hearts? At least partially, I am sure. But even so, I wonder at how boring such a relationship might become after years and years and years of marriage, without that chemistry.

I really want to know your thoughts on this. Please share.

Things I’ve learned this month

- Perspective. Understanding that while my problems and frustrations should not be invalidated, they are far less intense and life-changing than many other peoples’ problems. The problem is that, in being human, I lose it daily.

- When renting a car, always attach your house keys to your car keys. Otherwise, chances are you’ll lock yourself out of your house. And have to shimmy through a 2′ wide front window while the neighborhood watch watches you.

- Transitioning from a job where I am autonomous and spend at least half the day in the quiet of my room working in solitude to one which requires me to supervise 8 outgoing employees, interact with 5 managers, and endlessly converse with office staff is challenging. And tiring. The result is that I am becoming far more introverted with my personal time.

- Which flows into my next lesson: there are no introverts in my office. Everyone wants to chat, all the time.

- And, sleeping for 5 hours two worknights in a row is a really bad idea. It’s beyond Tirate, even, but in a quiet way.

- You must have liability insurance to rent a car, or they will triple your rate. And that is if you can even talk them into it.

- As much as I can’t stand the man’s personal infidelities (and yes, I typically take this out on my opinions of the quality of acting careers – I’ve never been able to separate that…), I am absolutely blown away by Brad Pitt sometimes. I loved him in Inglorious Basterds. Great movie. Top list.

- Train whistles always seem to be in minor keys. Mellie could probably tell you which key, specifically. And they always come through downtown at midnight. Part annoying, part incredible.

- Brooksley Born could have prevented a majority of the mess our economy was in, but she was shut down by people who cared more about their ego and their returns than their responsibilities. Oh my, ethics and integrity have fallen.

- The bro code does exist, and it’s very thick. And non-intelligible. The main point is clear, though: always make your bro look good to his hoe. Avoid lying if you can, but it’s not required.

- I have no desire to write emails now that I’m on my work computer so much.

- Matty C. on Ecclesiastes. Fantastic. No verb required. God has gifted that man in telling TRUTH.

- My best mistyped tweet of the year: Standing in starbuks discussing hoe Chelsea would have broken up the nestles far quicker than Yoko Ono.

- Honesty can also sneak you into concerts you aren’t allowed into. Although Walt/Gary would assure us it was the hot chicks part.

- Mitch is an INTJ/INFJ. I think he’s an INTJ who has learned to be F.

- Back to the MB & Work thing: I’m convinced that God is going to use this Management role to make me more empathetic/”F”. You are paid to care about how you handle conflict. It’s not optional.

- My bedroom is on the wrong thermostat. It’s a long story, but it just doesn’t make any sense.

- Mario Bros on Wii (The new, 4 player one) is absolutely my favorite MB game. It’s so incredibly ridiculously funtastically brilliant.

- There is work to be done around the world: people to be served, time to be given, and resources to donate. Stop procrastinating or overthinking it. You have money? Give it. You have time? Go to the local homeless shelter or habitat for humanity. You have writing skills? Use them to help somebody, somewhere? Just give, help. It shouldn’t take an earthquake & massive aftershock in Haiti to jumpstart our hearts.

Merry January!

“A lot of the people who read a bestselling novel, for example, do not read much other fiction. By contrast, the audience for an obscure novel is largely composed of people who read a lot. That means the least popular books are judged by people who have the highest standards, while the most popular are judged by people who literally do not know any better. An American who read just one book this year was disproportionately likely to have read ‘The Lost Symbol’, by Dan Brown. He almost certainly liked it.”

— The Economist (via mudd up, peterwknox)

pondering Haiti

A bottle of Da Vinci Chianti and a journal. If I were writing a script, I’d detail the fantastic red heels casually askew on the floor, the lights intentionally turned off by the protagonist. But alas, this is my life, not a screenplay. A cute girly outfit has been recently comfortabilized by pajama bottoms, but all 3 of the gold necklaces remain in place. It’s like I’m split between two worlds.

I smell the chianti before I taste it and I hear the sounds drift up from downstairs. A man named Jack is saving the world, yet again. It never ceases to amaze me, that these are 8 days (24 hour periods, nonetheless – when DOES this man sleep) in Jack’s life. I suppose it’s not that this is one week (plus) but that this is 8 days spread out over the course of years. Apparently, he ages well.

I am Jack’s Medulla Oblongata.

I listened to two men talk from the stage tonight, talk of Haiti. Of orphans and earthquakes, of destruction and devastation, of starvation and thirst, of hopeless hearts and dying children. While 80% of this nation regularly practices voodoo and worships pagan gods:

the name that escaped from the lips of the masses, the name that reverberated from the walls of the village, the name that radiated from their vibrating, flailing, screaming bodies was none other than

Jesus.

Philippians 2:9-11:

Therefore God exalted [Jesus] to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Chris is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

I have to acknowledge that Truth is Truth, even if we don’t recognize it as such by our actions or beliefs. This consistently floors me.

Yahweh, God, our Father, is in the process of bringing relief to Haiti. It is through non-profits, Christians, aid workers, and people who have a compassionate heart and soul that he works. Right now, the infrastructure is beyond repair, deconstructed by the Earth’s quivering, heaving, moaning spirit. (I pause here to think of Romans 8:22 & Luke 19:40) It will take years upon years to rebuild. It can seem overwhelming, but you can help. You can make a difference.

The men who spoke tonight are with the organization Les Pwa . They used to live and work with an orphanage in a small city about 20 miles outside of Port au Prince. They will be the last to receive aid, as even Port au Prince is struggling to feed and water its 3 million inhabitants. People are dying as I type this. People are scared; people are hungry. Children are being abused. Looting and rioting is taking place.

Nonetheless, God is in control of it all. I imagine that those locked inside the reality of the situation (which I cannot even begin to fathom or imagine, tucked away safely in my well lit home in Central Florida) cannot see or understand this. I wouldn’t either, I’m certain. But I have faith in a God who is bigger than this situation, who knew of it before a molecule of material came into existence, and who will bring significant Good from this drastic, life-changing scenario.

Earlier tonight, I wrote this as I sat and took in the stories of these men: “The dramatic difference of the daily life I live versus the daily life of someone like the Skinners of Watoto Village (Uganda), is immeasurable. I am frequently terrified and overwhelmed by the idea of living such a different lifestyle. But every now and then, I see a glimpse of the Glory of such living, and recognize that being so far removed, so isolated, from such immense need and suffering is far, far more lethal.

I want to remember this.

Because the path of my life is beginning to take shape. I see the vague outlines, plans, and ideas that God might have for me. And I recognize that my passion, my heart, and my desires (at the deepest level) do not align with living in such great comfort in the United States for my entire life. I do not judge that lifestyle, and fully expect to partially enjoy it during certain seasons, but I see my future to lie distant from it during different periods.

And I am still terrified by the unknown, but I am not, and will never be, conquered.

Romans 8:37-39:

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is Christ Jesus our Lord.

Selah.

another day that i wish i had an anonymous blog.

law of delicacy.

nothing to say to the world wide web.

one day, i’m gonna be a writer again.

Jonathan Acuff, Stuff Christians Like

I stole this from this blog (don’t click it, you’ll be sucked into reading multiple blogs…) by Jonathan Acuff, mainly because of the sentence in bold. But seriously, he’s on the money:

So the question becomes not what was I created to do, but rather, what are my good things? What is my gift? What is that idea inside me that I’m supposed to be actively expressing?

There are about a billion books that try to get at the heart of this question, but there’s a pretty simple way to look at it and surprisingly enough it involves satan. (Lowercase “s” on purpose because that’s the middle finger of grammar.)

Here’s the thing, we often assume satan has powers similar to God. We might not say it out loud, but sometimes we think satan is all knowing and all powerful and can be everywhere at once. But he can’t. He’s limited in his abilities and because he is, he has to take short cuts. And one of his favorite short cuts is that he only attacks things that matter.

Let me rephrase that, “satan will never attack something that is insignificant.”

He can’t waste time like that. He’s not a shotgun, he’s a sniper rifle and what he laser scopes on are only the things that are going to do tremendous good for the kingdom.

He will never attack my breakdance ministry. He will never thrash about with my painting career or try to sidetrack my pottery mission. Because I stink at those things.

But writing? All day long. He’s going to wail on that, because that’s the thing God has given me. So for years, satan beat on my writing. He attacked it and fought it and tried his best to keep me wrapped up in writing lies and manipulation and using whatever modicum of talent I had to meet girls in chat rooms, instead of writing about grace.

What does that mean for you?

It means if you want to find “your thing” you don’t need a backpack and a Euro Rail pass. You need to just look at your life and find that area that is getting rocked right now. Find the part of your day that satan piñatas. And then look at it again. See if there’s a gift hidden in there. A talent that he’s desperate to conceal.

And then live in that gift. All day long.

January 16.

I’m convinced my front porch is perfect. It’s a wrap around. I can sit on the side of the house and see an intersection. Not much happens in my quiet neighborhood, but I like to sit there and judge the world anyway.

Today has been pretty much perfect. Deep convos over coffee and bagels; shopping at Urban, XXI, Plato’s with Les, and stuffed crust pizza. Tonight also promises to be exciting: Mario Wii.

Life is good these days. Work is good, people are good, things are appreciated. And life is always so much more beautiful when viewed through the lens of thankfulness.

oh my gosh.

it’s 2010.

This is a difficult place to be: so much uncertainty about everything in the future.

And yet, it’s not so different than any other day of my life. I’ve only ever tricked myself into thinking I know the outcomes of situations. I’ve only used illusions to mask my lack of control over anything and everything.

The more and more I recognize this, the more I step back from the world and all it holds.

This new house is becoming a home. A home filled with people I want to sit in the dark, and in the Light, with. Come over.